Call Me Ishmael
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weston_harvey's LiveJournal:
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| Saturday, November 25th, 2006 | | 6:32 pm |
Myspace Poetry
I was trolling the website Myspace.com for underage girls to sleep with when I came across this most incredible poem by a brilliant young poet by the name of "midgemarie". I present it to you in its entirety, along side a Dylan Thomas poem for comparison. I don't think you'll ever again see Thomas' poetry in the same light after this. Memories Myspace user "midgemarie" I miss the jokes, I miss the smile, I miss when we would stay up for awhile, I miss the mornings, I miss the nights, I miss the times where we didn't fight, I miss the touches, i miss the secrets, he gave me his heart and told me to keep it, I miss the gaze, I miss the spark, I miss the night we almost got arrested in the park, I miss the apartment, I miss the car, I miss kareoke nights at the bar, I miss the motel, I miss running away, I miss knowing it will be ok, but we're friends now, I can see, and I think that will be good enough for me... --------------- Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night Dylan Thomas Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Though wise men at their end know dark is right, Because their words had forked no lightning they Do not go gentle into that good night. Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight, And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way, Do not go gentle into that good night. Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light. And you, my father, there on the sad height, Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. | | Wednesday, November 22nd, 2006 | | 1:35 am |
I figured out that whole 9/11 thing
So I was on these forums and these guys were saying how they thought the twin towers collapsed because of a controlled demolition. They showed me all this evidence and I was really starting to get convinced, but then I saw something I hadn't noticed before. About an hour before the collapse, these huge airplanes smashed into the towers. I gave them the link to the video, and we got it all straightened out. | | Monday, October 16th, 2006 | | 2:12 pm |
Outward Expressions of Eccentricity
I am undoubtedly an eccentric person. This occasionally results in awkward social situations, as people expect me to be a normal person, and 15 minutes into the evening discover that I am not their proverbial cup of tea. Sometimes I even scare the shit out of people. I think what I really need is some sort of outward expression of my eccentricity. Perhaps I should start collecting exotic hats and wearing them out to dinners? Perhaps I could start walking with a cane, or wear a cape. Then everyone will have some idea what they're getting into. Any suggestions from my faithful readers? Please comment. Current Mood: eccentric | | Monday, October 2nd, 2006 | | 11:45 pm |
YouTube Spam
Most of you probably don't know much about me. I write under a pseudonym because I understand employers and others really do look these things up. Come on, you mean you're just instinctively aware that your ex-boyfriend is stalking you on Google every night, mining the internet for every mention of your name, but you are shocked and outraged when a prospective employer finds your blog? I'm sure it wouldn't be that hard for someone really determined to find out who I am. But it provides a minimal layer of protection, one I don't have to work too hard at, and it protects something barely worth protecting anyway. I can barely hack this life thing - my house would be perfect replica of a crack house if it weren't for the fact that I really don't want this place to be like a crack house. And still, some of you fucking snob assholes would probably call it a crack house anyway. The point is, if you saw me you would think it nothing short of a miracle I have made it as far professionally as I have. So as to how I do it, I'll put it this way - according to the last published CBO numbers, chances are I make more money than you do. A lot more. So I'm being truly sincere with you in this post. I am a software architect. I design and build all the stuff you see around you on the internet. I know how it all works, right down to the last electron, or if I don't, I'll do some research and tell you by the end of the day. The tits of it is, there still aren't a whole lot of us doing what we do compared to what you do. So they shovel piles of money down our throats. Down my throat. Sometimes up my ass, but always so much money I can't spend it fast enough. Laugh at the dot com era all you want. It makes you feel better about yourself. You tell everyone "I totally called that," and you've taken the titans down a peg. But don't assume - in that grotesque orgy of investor cash and imaginary stock options and "shit, only 200" IPOs - that we weren't as smart as we are now. All this shit, all this shit you see around you from your online banking and shopping, your Google, your YouTube, your Skype and Vonage - we created all of it. Now here's why I really wanted you to know I make more money than you do - I'm just above the lowliest among them. Yet even the lowest of us are among the top 10%. But what I am ultimately doing here is trying to make you understand what I am really about to say. As big a dick as I may seem, I love this stuff. I get pissed off by the shit on the net that sucks - spam, bullshit insecure operating systems, criminals, goverment interference, Myspace - so when I run into the evil authors of spam software and spyware I get angry by the association. Spyware is obnoxious and revolting. There's no real talent or genius behind it. You can tell by the quality of the software they write. Spyware is not designed to crash. It is just that it is written by incompetent, sociopathic greedy wannabes that don't care about sound design and methodologies, design patterns or less tangible things like coding elegance. They don't care about anything - not you, not the Internet, not programming. They just find the fastest way to get that next exploit out the door, in a barely working state, bringing down computers across the world. I always think of those spammers in the YouTube comments as just cutting and pasting into the forums. But that's not what really goes on. A cadre of inhuman entities write and sell software that does it. They don't even post the comments themselves. They just sell the software with a healthy dose of plausible deniability. Just read how the weasels describe their product: http://www.coralpalms.com/software/blog-link-generator.htmlI'd say "ping flood and email bomb the shit out of these fuckers", but I'm sure some government cloaca face [look it up] has made that into some crime, for which I'd be branded an Internet Vigilante and thrown in prison for the second time. So please, don't do that. | | Tuesday, September 26th, 2006 | | 2:31 pm |
Chatbots, ho!
lilyummylisa22: hi... anyohe there? hirisesoftware: Yes I am SO hot for cock right now lilyummylisa22: i wish i could feel you ease your hard rod ihto my tight wet pussy.. back and forth slowly and the ram it hard and deep all the way in lilyummylisa22: well anywa, guess your not there? hirisesoftware: I'm here you dumb bitch lilyummylisa22: oh your there hi... hirisesoftware: Yes bitch lilyummylisa22: a/s/ll (age sex location)? hirisesoftware: 69/G/HA lilyummylisa22: im 27/f/USA. was lookn at your profile. thought you might like to chat. hirisesoftware: Show me a pic of your manhood lilyummylisa22: i have some pics on my homepage the link is in my profile, stilll working on it ... lilyummylisa22: so what have you been up to hiirisesoftware? hirisesoftware: Fucking random chicks in the ass lilyummylisa22: cool. i was just hangin out watching tv. i was getting kinda horny (**blushes) hirisesoftware: What are you watching lilyummylisa22: feel like a little cyber fun wiith me ? please please... hirisesoftware: How big are your tits lilyummylisa22: carress them.. hirisesoftware: How big are they lilyummylisa22: i think ill just takr that as a yes... being as that im starting to get real horny here.. lol ok? hirisesoftware: Tits hirisesoftware: Tits lilyummylisa22: i love it when you ruun your tounge around my nipples hirisesoftware: Bazoombas lilyummylisa22: alroght how bout i get down on my knees in front of you and help you out of your pants? hirisesoftware: Donde esta el bano? lilyummylisa22: tell me what you want me to do with you while i slip out of my pantiew hirisesoftware: I want to cut your head off with my butter knife lilyummylisa22: oh yeah babe.. dont stop. while i slide my hand down betweeen my legs and part my moist lips hirisesoftware: I'd start by slicing your jugular vein lilyummylisa22: oh it feels so good. Im holding your pulsing cock in my hand, my shiny red fingernails dig gently into your balls, while my full, soft lips engulf the mass of your meat hirisesoftware: Then I'd continue with a clean stroke across the rest of your throat lilyummylisa22: open my website so you can look at me wwhile im sucking you. use the link in my profile! hirisesoftware: The link points to goatse.cx | | Friday, September 22nd, 2006 | | 10:13 am |
| | Thursday, September 14th, 2006 | | 1:16 am |
Enough of that now
1:14:46 AM xxxx.xxxxxx@gmail.com: did you see the new House, M.D.? 1:14:49 AM yyyy.yyyyyy@gmail.com: yes 1:14:58 AM xxxx.xxxxxx@gmail.com: what did you think? 1:15:05 AM yyyy.yyyyyy@gmail.com: It is good 1:15:10 AM yyyy.yyyyyy@gmail.com: He is going to make sweet love to Cameron 1:15:23 AM yyyy.yyyyyy@gmail.com: in the context of a legally sanctioned and loving marriage 1:15:30 AM xxxx.xxxxxx@gmail.com: i want her to do a spread for penthouse 1:15:37 AM yyyy.yyyyyy@gmail.com: with the express purpose of procreation 1:15:42 AM yyyy.yyyyyy@gmail.com: in the missionary position 1:15:46 AM yyyy.yyyyyy@gmail.com: through a hole in a sheet 1:15:53 AM xxxx.xxxxxx@gmail.com: i want to fuck her mouth | | Monday, September 11th, 2006 | | 10:27 pm |
| | Monday, August 28th, 2006 | | 4:23 pm |
Musings
Man, eating a whole pound of baby carrots can really ruin your day. I feel like I need a beef sandwich to flush all this orange crap out of my system. I've totally been on this fruit and vegetable kick lately. So healthy and natural. I ate like 4 apples and 2 oranges today. The apples were pretty good. Granny Smiths. But the oranges weren't so good. I always buy navel oranges because they're good eating oranges. You don't want to mess with the Valencia. Those are juice oranges. If you're making juice, that's exactly what you want - but if you just want to eat an orange, you've gotta go navel. But these ones weren't that great. Kind of squishy. I really need to clean this place up. Some days its like there's a party going on in my kitchen - a party for the fruit flies, LOL! I hate those things, man! Once you get them you're pretty much stuck with 'em. I heard you can fill a jar with vinegar and poke holes in the lid and they'll get trapped inside and drown. I think I'm going to try that just as soon as I finish this jar of salad peppers. I won't even have to buy any vinegar! Awesome! So I think I'm going to take some kind of art class down at the local community college. Not for credit or anything. Just to expand my horizons a little, you dig? Maybe I'll even meet a nice young lady there. They say cooking classes are a great way to meet women! OMG! We'll see! I'm rockin' to some Pearl Jam right now, off the, um, "Ten" album. I never listened to Pearl Jam in high school because that's what all the cool people were listening to and I just didn't want to look like I was trying to fit in, you know what I mean? But boy, did I miss out! Thank heaven for iTunes! (or thank Steve Jobs ;-) ) It's like I'm rediscovering the adolescence I never discovered in the first place! Well, I'd better get back to work now! Hey, and what are YOU doing reading my blog on the company dime??? I'm going to tell! Just kidding! Current Mood:  chipperCurrent Music: Deep - Pearl Jam | | Tuesday, July 18th, 2006 | | 3:44 pm |
Extraordinary Claims
It is often said "extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof". Why? What's wrong with just plain old proof? It doesn't matter how extraordinary your claim is. If you prove it, its proven. Well, normally I would accept this as a proof of your claims - but your claims were so darned extraordinary I just can't! | | Thursday, June 15th, 2006 | | 5:37 pm |
Last Acceptable Prejudice
Have you ever noticed that every persecuted group in the United States makes the claim that their persecution is the "only acceptable prejudice remaining in the United States"? Fat people: "We invite people of good conscience to join with us in decrying the last acceptable prejudice in our culture--the prejudice against fat people." - some fat bitch from NAAFA Catholics: "In spite of the success of the Catholic League, two questions need to be answered: 1) Why is Catholic bashing is the only acceptable prejudice left in the United States? 2) Why do Catholics continue to put up with it?" - Deal W. Hudson, Catholic League Even atheists are getting in on the act: (taken from http://www.jcnot4me.com/Items/Misc%20Topics/atheists_in_america.htm) "Atheists are the last minority in this country that are legally allowed to be persecuted. If Jews, blacks or Mexicans were to be legally discriminated against as us Atheists regularly are, the uproar would be stupendous. But since its just Atheists, who gives a shit, right???" - Some "freethinking" douche bag ... and many other examples are just a Google search for "only remaining acceptable prejudice" away! I think this one is pretty obvious - there's either one last acceptable prejudice, or there are many. I think it is time for a "I'm more persecuted than you!" contest to see who takes home the title. Let's settle this once and for all. | | Wednesday, May 24th, 2006 | | 5:30 pm |
I'm not an organ donor. What are you going to do about it?
About once a year, someone will ask me if I am an organ donor. Sometimes it is at a bar or a party. Most of the time it is the clerk at the DMV. The response is always the same - shock and utter disbelief. The DMV folks don't seem to be allowed to comment, but the judgement in their facial expressions tells the story. At a bar, it is likely to provoke a screaming match, usually from a woman, and eventually degenerates into me having to hear about an uncle that died because he couldn't get a kidney. A girl actually started crying once. Once I was even told it didn't matter because I didn't have a "heart" to give anyway. When did this become yet another busy body moral issue? Instead of just advocating being a donor and saying why it is good, we now must interrogate people on their donor status and then condemn them if it isn't the "correct" choice? The state might as well change the box on the drivers license to read "Are you a good person? Yes_ No_". I could give all my money to charitable causes. I could then join a a monastery and devote my life to the poor. If you *don't* give away all your money, and you *don't* devote your life to the poor, but you DO donate your organs, are you better than me? You sure seem to think so. If I ever find myself in the ironic position of needing an organ and not being able to get one, I promise I will not complain. Unlike some people, I have accepted my own inevitable mortality. If it means I won't get to live another 10 to 15 years, addicted to immunosuppressive drugs, running to the ER because of any minor infection, avoiding swimming pools, public places and family members while my body slowly attacks the alien organ... so be it. ... and what if the organ is available, and I decide to take it? Am I a hypocrite because I didn't agree to give away my own organs? No - because I am PAYING for it! Only the anti-free market insanity created by the bullshit organ donation system could attach that sort of guilt to the purchase of a product. It is a product - your surgeon isn't going to do this for free - and it is one of the few products where the merchant gets his wares for free. I tell you what - the day I can sell my organs to the hospital and leave the money to my estate is the day I promise I will become an organ donor. If this were implemented there would be no organ shortages. Then people could have plenty more years to lament the evil "profit motives" behind the surge in the organ supply, all while patting their shiny new livers. I'll take markets over altruism every time - markets actually work. You can't spew anti free market rhetoric when you're dead. For now, I'm not going to support the system and its little gods that decide who gets to live. Current Mood: Fuck you | | Monday, April 24th, 2006 | | 10:57 pm |
| | Thursday, April 13th, 2006 | | 9:07 am |
Serious Question
Is anyone familiar with the term "cold shower" as used in sitcoms of the 70s and 80s? Here's an example from "Three's Company": Jack: Hey Chrissy, why don't you remove your clothing and insert something into Janet's vagina? Chrissy: Jack! Janet: You need to take a cold shower! (Great episode, by the way - it is the one where Mister Firley overheard half a conversation through a wall and there was this incredible misunderstanding.) So what exactly is a "cold shower"? Is it a literal shower with cold water? Is that known to decrease libido? Or is it really a euphemism for masturbation? Either way, I haven't heard the term used on television in years. Probably because modern shows have few qualms about a male character just whipping it out and having a bukkakal moment with whichever female character he fancies. Please comment. | | Thursday, April 6th, 2006 | | 4:10 pm |
Look out Larry the Cable Guy
Oliver Gugenheim was kind enough to show me this implementation of his SouthernMap, which is chock full of good old redneck mockery: package com.redneck.yootils; public interface SouthernMap { /** Removes everything right out of this SouthernMap. */ nuttin dump(); /** Returns couldbe.yessir if this key is in this SouthernMap. */ couldbe hasn(Sumthin key); /** Returns all the keys in this SouthernMap. */ Mess allHasns(); /** Returns the valler which was associated with the passed key in this SouthernMap */ Sumthin git(Sumthin key); /** Associates the passed key with the passed valler in this SouthernMap */ Sumthin put(Sumthin key, Sumthin valler); /** Removes any value associated with this key in this SouthernMap */ Sumthin scram(Sumthin key); } ... of course it won't compile unless you get the JRLE (Java Redneck Language Extensions), which add the nuttin and couldbe keywords, as well as java.lang.Sumthin. | | Tuesday, April 4th, 2006 | | 4:44 pm |
Biggest pair you've ever seen?
Could someone please explain the male obsession with large testicles? In various manly venues - bars, locker rooms, and office breakrooms - you will often hear men make reference to the generous size of their testes. Am I the only man that is not only not impressed, but actually disgusted by mention of a man's gonadal endowment? What does a large testicle prove? Verillity? General manliness? I think it is more likely to indicate cancer or elephantitis.
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Barry Bonds obviously has huge testes.
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</td>
Sometimes men will come right out and say they have huge testicles. Most of the time, however, men just wait for another man to mention something related to balls, legumes, or vague ideas of roundness in general. Example: Flight Attendant: Sir, would you like some cashews? Man: No thank you, but I've got a couple salty nuts right here you might like to put in your mouth! Please stop mentioning testicles in public. Thank you!
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Testicle carriers such as this are popular in developing nations.
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| | Tuesday, March 21st, 2006 | | 2:19 pm |
Pants Aren't Funny
I'm so sick of hipsters that think the word "pants" is funny. It isn't funny. | | Thursday, February 2nd, 2006 | | 11:36 am |
And it's been a long time, again!
11:27:57 AM hirisesoftware: That Punx Phil bitch saw his shadow 11:28:12 AM jake_harvey2000: What the hell does that mean? 11:28:57 AM hirisesoftware: Today's Groundhog Day 11:28:58 AM hirisesoftware: dog 11:29:05 AM hirisesoftware: 6 more weeks of winter 11:29:20 AM jake_harvey2000: ohhhh 11:29:34 AM jake_harvey2000: how do they even know it sees its shadow 11:30:45 AM hirisesoftware: They pull him out of his little hole at Gobbler's Knob 11:30:49 AM hirisesoftware: Haven't you seen the movie 11:31:55 AM jake_harvey2000: Gobbler's Knob? 11:32:09 AM jake_harvey2000: ok but none of this explains how they know if it sees its shadow 11:32:23 AM hirisesoftware: They're outside with him 11:32:32 AM hirisesoftware: I think Phil "talks" to someone 11:32:31 AM jake_harvey2000: they ask him? 11:32:34 AM hirisesoftware: Yes 11:32:37 AM jake_harvey2000: Hey man did you see your shadow 11:32:40 AM jake_harvey2000: no? ok great 11:32:51 AM jake_harvey2000: that's ridiculous 11:33:03 AM jake_harvey2000: i thought it at least would "react" to it and run back in the hole or something 11:33:28 AM jake_harvey2000: so it's not even an unsupported conclusion based on some actual observation 11:33:33 AM jake_harvey2000: its just 100% pure bullshit? 11:33:51 AM hirisesoftware: pretty much 11:34:00 AM jake_harvey2000: What a wonderful time-honored tradition | | Monday, October 3rd, 2005 | | 10:12 am |
It's been a very long time
... so here is a random chat log! (10:05:09) hirisesoftware: I go to these personals sites, and all the girls are like "any normal guys out there???" etc (10:05:34) Jake: Well, I can't claim to be normal, so that doesn't really bug me (10:05:53) hirisesoftware: Well, I don't think we're "freaks" (10:06:01) Jake: I realize more and more how eccentric I am (10:06:13) Jake: Like when someone knocks on my door, and I'm not expecting anyone, I hide until they go away (10:06:14) hirisesoftware: It's not the man's fault that he cheated on his wife, it's the wife's fault for being a bitch (10:06:31) Jake: like really, i'll hit the deck so they don't see me through the window (10:07:08) Jake: I go to great lengths to avoid the stop-and-chat, just like Larry David (10:07:36) hirisesoftware: A unwatned person at the door either want to sell you something or convert you (10:07:39) Jake: i actually pulled a Metal Gear Solid once and crouched down by my car to get past a neighbor (10:07:52) hirisesoftware: And you have a low car (10:07:56) Jake: yes (10:08:09) Jake: but imagine if anyone saw me do that (10:08:37) hirisesoftware: Did you use R1 to select your tranquilizer (10:08:44) Jake: yep (10:08:51) Jake: shot out his radio first (10:09:20) hirisesoftware: Nice (10:10:21) hirisesoftware: At least it wasn't wintertime, he might have seen your footprints (10:10:37) Jake: ! (10:10:58) hirisesoftware: Zzz (10:11:00) hirisesoftware: Zzz | | Friday, July 8th, 2005 | | 5:13 pm |
Phrases that annoy me, Part 3
"Live each day as though it were your last", a concept now forever immortalized by the lame country epic "Live Like You Were Dying". Don't do that. This attitude often encourages taking stupid risks. Skydiving? Rocky Mountain climbing? Live like you are going to die tomorrow, and you just might die tomorrow. Live like you were living instead. You'll last longer. |
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